Cerberus Dogs
by RebornAmbrosia
Summary: Following the attack on the Normandy and losing Shepard, Kaidan steps up to fill the void left behind by her. He soon uncovers a sinister Cerberus plot that threatens to leave galactic civilisation in ruins before the imminent Reaper invasion arrives. Exploring Kaidan's hatred of Cerberus and his transition from LT to a decorated Alliance Leader. In two years a lot can change.
1. Prologue: Horizon

**_ Bioware owns this universe and this is just my attempt to be part of it by writing this story. While I tried to keep true to the dialogue of the encounter on Horizon in Mass Effect 2 there is some slight differences. I hope you enjoy and I welcome all constructive criticism and feedback – RA._**

**Horizon **

The blast rang out to all corners of the colony, inexplicably the GARDIAN cannon was functioning. But who had corrected the calibrations?

The moment of confusion was enough for a pair of husks to appear from around the corner of the closest building. Wailing loudly they ran at him, arms failing erratically as they did. Kaidan raised his pistol, felt the thermal clip click into place and took aim at the closest husk. Squeezing the trigger the shot fired, hitting the husk in its mutated face while mid stride. It collapsed thrashing violently, landing near where Kaidan stood. Blue electric energy pulsated from the husk into a bright halo across the ground overloading the shield generator on Kaidan's armour.

"Damn it!" Kaidan cursed angrily firing another round into the husk, this time putting it down for good. It stopped thrashing, the eerie blue glow fading from the exposed circuits.

These husks had definitely been upgraded since Eden Prime.

He sidestepped the second Husk which launched itself over its fallen comrade straight towards Kaidan. They moved faster than they had on Eden Prime, Kaidan barely had time to throw his arm up in a protective block before the Husk leapt at him again hitting it across its face, the Husks teeth gnawing uselessly against his armoured forearm.

The electric tingle of his biotics spread through Kaidan like warm, electrified goose bumps and he _threw_ the husk. There was a sickening snap as the biotic force hit the Husk squarely in the head before sending it flying into the wall of the building it had emerged from. The force left a splattering smear of grey and blue mess on the wall, this time though the husk lay on the ground lifeless and unmoving.

That worked better.

The quite satisfaction lasted a second before sliding the pistol into its holster and resuming his steady run towards the engineering sheds, the rhythmic attack of the main cannon against the invading ship gave Kaidan renewed energy, despite having spent the majority of the day running and expending his biotics to their limits.

He was getting close, the blasts were leaving an echoing ring in his ears.

Kaidan reached the hill which overlooked the East border of the colony in time to see the invading ship fire its engines. Intel had suspected that those involved with the missing colonists were also the cowards which had attacked the Normandy. If nothing else came from today at least the Alliance will now know that the Collectors were behind both.

As if it was a signalled the paralysing swarm rose above the colony, a deadly swirl of winged pincers that formed a retreating cloud over Horizon.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the insects reminded him of the stabbing pain that those pincers had caused. He could admit that those bugs were an ingenious way of immobilising an entire colony, even if he could not fathom how the Collectors managed to control a army of bugs to do so. Also how the Collectors came by a paralysing poison similar to the one he knew Cerberus used made Kaidan very suspicious. Right now though, it was just yet another riddle to add to a growing list. What a nightmare of a day.

He would discuss the matter with Anderson when this is over. But regardless of if Cerberus had created and therefore given the poison to the Collectors, or the other way around, Kaidan had confirmation of their involvement. Involvement of the rouge organisation, however tenuous, was never a good sign and left Kaidan with a foul taste in his mouth.

From his vantage point on the hill Kaidan could see the clearing where the main GARDIAN cannon stood, it was ringed by engineering sheds and farming equipment, which meant there was plenty of cover for his approach. There was also a hell of a fire fight going on down there.

Grabbing his assault rifle, Kaidan focused the scope to get a better look.

A group a soldiers, heavily armed and some using biotics, were completely surrounded. Husks and Collectors alike throwing themselves at the group in waves.

That explained the lack of resistance from Collector forces as he had made his way over here. Kaidan thought it was a little too easy compared to the dog fight that he endured after initially getting free of the paralysis.

Right now both the armed group of solders and the Collector forces were distracted which meant Kaidan could get closer and figure out who had come to Horizon's aid.

There was a loud explosion in the clearing. Kaidan quickly swung his scope towards the sound. He managed to see what looked like a giant sized bug, similar to those of the paralysing swarm, land amongst the group in the clearing. He caught a glimpse of it before the dam thing moved behind a shed and was obscured from view.

Another explosion in the clearing, this time Kaidan could see red flames above the roof of one of the sheds. The colonists kept their fuel supplies down there. The soldiers were going to need help.

The pre-fab buildings whirled past in a blur as he sprinted down the hill, his assault rifle still in his hands, biotics charged, ready for any sudden attacks. To his surprise he noted the frozen orange glow of colonists, statues frozen in their frantic attempt to flee from the initial invasion. The Collectors had spared them. Or left them to collect after the armed group had been dealt with.

The cannon blasted again. Kaidan was nearing the outside edge of the engineering sheds, he could hear the heavy gun fire over the new ringing in his ear and sense the massive amount of biotic energy being used. Whoever had fixed the GARDIAN's targeting calibrations were doing well to hold their own against that monster.

But how had they been immune to that damn swarm?

The Collectors ship's engines roared to life, it's exhaust hit the colony like a shockwave of heat and air, causing Kaidan to stumble mid stride. The ship was leaving. The Collectors had successfully managed to abscond with more than half of the colony, but unlike the other settlements there were survivors and the attackers had been identified.

The Cannon fired a few last blasts at the retreating ship, aside from the fading roar of the engines, a eerie silence fell across the colony.

It was over.

"NO! STOP THEM! NO! NO! NO!".

Kaidan slowed as he approached the clearing, pressing up to the closest shed and he carefully edged towards a better vantage point.

He could recognise Delan's voice yelling in the clearing and had to suppress an annoyed moan. Of all the people... Kaidan stopped the angry thought in its tracks. As much as he disliked the man and his obstructing behaviour, Kaidan didn't truly wish for Delan to be trapped on that Collector ship. But he did hope that Delan would be haunted by the guilt of what happened here. After all, if the cannons had been properly operational there would have been more colonists still on Horizon, rather than in that ship, going god only knows where. There had been a lot of good people on Horizon, sometimes a little small minded, but good people all the same. So many lives gone.

"Don't let them get away!" Delan cried out.

Kaidan could see Delan running into view yelling at those who stood closest to the cannon.

"They have Lilith, Egan and Sam….. Half the colony is in there!" Delan yelled

From where Kaidan stood he could see the armed group was a strange rag tag mix of people. A dark skinned man paced the perimeter eyeing the pre-fab buildings with suspicion, he held himself as seasoned solider and he had a kind face. However, Kaidan's eye was immediately drawn to the orange insignia on the mans broad chest. Peering through the rifle scope he could make it out clearly. Acid rose in the back of his throat, Cerberus again.

Were they working with the Collectors?

No, the cannon working didn't seem to support that.

So why were they here? Maybe trying to cover their tracks with the paralysis poison? Kill the Collectors before its revealed that they had made the poison that the Collectors were using? Kaidan would put nothing past them and nothing was beneath them so long as their "goals" were met.

"We have a reports that there has been sightings of Cerberus at the colonies that went missing. The intelligence suggests they may be involved, not their normal MO, but at this point we are not ruling out any possibilities" He remembered Hackett's debriefing before coming out to Horizon. Kaidan knew from experience that Cerberus were unpredictable, unethical and messy. But even he had initially written off the rumour of their involvement. A pro-human group stealing colonists didn't make sense.

Regarding the clearing in front of him now Kaidan could see that there were six individuals, aside from Delan, in the clearing. Aside from the dark skinned solider there was a woman wearing something similar to a cat suit, attractive but impractical for a battlefield. Still it was more appropriate to the nakedness of a bald and heavily tattooed woman who was pacing impatiently back and forth, that one was dangerous. Even from his hidden position Kaidan could feel her charge biotics, like static electricity, the woman was boiling over with the charged power. How she managed to maintain the charge was admirable but there was an instability to it, as if the biotics had not been tamed through years of practice and learning. It reminded Kaidan of how he had felt when he was 15 and his own ability had begun to fully manifest.

An older grizzly looking man was lazily leaning against the fuel barrels on the far side from where Kaidan stood, arrogantly smoking a cigar and seemingly disinterested in Delan's yelling. Despite this Kaidan did catch the protective glance he casted towards the two standing directly in front of the cannon.

A Turian stood behind Delan. His body appeared tense, as if posed to pounce on an unsuspecting Delan if he made a wrong move towards the woman in black amour. She had her back to Kaidan and appeared to be the focus of Delan's anger. Kaidan couldn't make out any distinguishing features on the Turians face, there was barley a face there. The half that was in Kaidan's view was heavily scared and freshly burned. Obviously still healing, Turian or no he shouldn't be on active duty while healing from that kind of injury.

He focused on the woman in black armour, something about her was familiar to Kaidan. She wasn't particularly tall, but the way she held her shoulders back, her head proud, gave her an air of authority that quickly made up for her lack of height.

His heart suddenly jolted to life. Kaidan drew a steady breath to soothe the tremor spreading through his body.

"There is one more rumour you should be aware of Commander Alenko" Hacketts voice rang clearly through his memories.

The woman standing in the clearing turned to face Delan, accusingly jabbing her finger squarely on Delans chest. She had her red hair tied into a careless and messy knot. He could see her face now and her emerald eyes were a flame with rage.

During debriefing Hackett had handed him a data pad containing an anonymous communication that had been messaged directly to Anderson. Kaidan had dismissed the glow of hope it had given him briefly. He was a practical man and he knew that no one had the ability to survive the Normandy's explosion, vacuum exposure and possibly atmosphere re-entry. Not even her…. And the woman Kaidan had known would never have volunteered to work with Cerberus, especially after what they had seen while investigating Saren. When he had asked him about the message Anderson had refused to speculate or discuss it beyond acknowledging that he had received it and Hackett wasn't much better.

Now standing in the clearing was the evidence that he had been wrong to dismiss the message entirely.

"I did EVERYTHING I could! All you did was cower in your garage!"

Kaidan heard her voice and the world seemed to slow to stand still, it was definitely her. His own heart, thumping in his ears, his feet moving with the grace of dead weights, his eyes did not leave her face.

"You did more than most Shepard" the Turian spoke to her over Delan's head.

Somewhere in his mind Kaidan registered the familiar voice of scared Turian, but all he could focus on was her.

Shepard.

Commander Shepard.

Naomi.

She was alive.

Kaidan holstered the assault rifle, the dark skinned solider saw his approach and nodded in recognition, apparently allowing Kaidan to walk by. Kaidan didn't slow his pace into clearing barely acknowledging the Cerberus solider as he walked past.

Shepard was his sole focus.

"Shepard? Wait, how do I know that name?" Delan spoke in an accusing tone.

Kaidan could see her clearly now. She was as he remembered although he had feared that he had forgotten her voice, or her eyes and the way they saw more than what her facial expressions or spoken words would give away. But looking at her now, it was like she had never gone away.

"Commander Shepard" Kaidan's own voice felt like gravel in his throat as he spoke, heavy with the confused emotions which threatened to overwhelm him. "First Human Spectre, Captain of the Normandy, Saviour of the Citadel."

He walked right up to where Naomi and Delan stood, sparing the frustrating man with an indifferent glance.

"You're standing in front of a legend Delan" Kaidan's voice trailed off, he couldn't take his eyes off her. The hope he had so recently dismissed fired his heart with overwhelming relief. Igniting life to the part of his heart which decayed with grief with her apparent passing. She was standing in front of him now.

"And a ghost" Kaidan finished.

"Figures!" Delan responded disgustedly "All the good people we lose and you are still here! I'm done with you Alliance types!"

Kaidan registered in his peripheral that Delan was storming off in a familiar tantrum that Kaidan had seen countless times since arriving on Horizon, and sparred it less than half a thought.

Naomi stood in front of him, she wore black tight fitting light armour plating. It was styled like a mercenary rather than an Alliance solider. The N7 insignia was still proudly displayed on her chest though and to his relief he couldn't see any Cerberus badging. Standing in front of her now, it felt as though the two years that was between them vanished. His heart was beat a steady drumming in his ears. He had loved this woman, mourned her death and now inexplicably, miraculously, she stood in front of him. A small, unsteady smile touched her lips. As if she was unsure what to do next. Her eyes searching Kaidan for a reaction.

He swallowed the gravel lodged in his throat and took a step towards her. Time seemed to speed up to normal as he gathered her into an embrace. He did not realise how unsure of her he was until the relief flooded through him as she embraced him back.

"I thought the worst when I saw the Collectors take off. I'm glad you are ok". She spoke so softly that Kaidan barley heard her over the steady drumming in his ears.

"I thought you were dead Shepard….." Kaidan spoke to her, the feel of her in his arms immediately familiar, her scent, which was unmistakably HER, drowned his senses. "We all did."

"I know…. I'm sorry Kaidan" Shepard whispered in his ear.

He took a deep breath and let go of her. Taking a step back, realisation setting in. She knew, for two years she knew that he was grieving and she had done nothing.

The two years between them reopened liked a chasm before him. In a rush all his senses snapped back into place relief and joy at her being alive were slowly dimmed by growing anger and betrayal.

In the last two years she had been needed.

Cerberus had become increasingly active and destructive.

The Council refused to prepare for the Reapers. The Alliance had followed the Council's suit and had put up barriers at every turn as Hackett and Anderson desperately tried to take Commander Shepard's place and prepare for the coming Reaper invasion.

The Batarians had become increasingly hostile. The missing Human colonies.

Even closer to home the Normandy crew had disbanded without Shepherd there to hold them together. And Joker had been grounded, all but formally dismissed from the Alliance for his role in Shepard's apparent death. No small part due to Kaidan's damming testimony against him.

Where had she been? Kaidan had mourned her and suffered survivors guilt for the good part of two years. He had finally reached a point where he could remember her without necessarily having to relive her "death". A point where he could hold her memory as an example of how he should conduct himself as a Commander.

The pedestal he had placed the memory of her on came crashing down leaving him only with a deep sense of betrayal.

Had she thought so little of him? Or was it simply that he meant so little to her that he wasn't worth the effort of reaching out to, to let him know that she was alive? To spare him two years of mourning?

"You don't seem too happy to see me. Something bothering you Kaidan?" Shepard's voice was defensive, official, unfeeling steel.

It did nothing to quell his anger. "Yeah something is bothering me" Kaidan almost spat the words out, uncharacteristically his anger was getting the better of him. "I spent the last two years believing you were dead!"

How could she not realise what that meant?

Two years…..

After Ilos he had thought, assumed, that she had cared for him as much as he had for her. For three months he had fought by her side against Saren and Sovereign. It wasn't a long time to get to know someone, but still, he had been utterly convinced she had felt the same way.

"I thought we had something Na…." He realised he couldn't use her first name. It was too personal, intimate, he had only used it on a few occasions.

"…Shepard." He felt utterly defeated, looking away from her searching gaze Kaidan battled with his conflicting emotions, the exhaustion of this terrible long da threatened to undo him completely.

"I thought it was something real Shepard." He returned his gaze to her eyes, stared straight into the familiar emerald pools. He needed to know her reaction. "I …. I had loved you".

His anger registered like a slap across her face. Kaidan was well aware that he had used past tense for something that he had never admitted to her while she was alive….. well, before the Normandy crash. He needed to know what her excuse was, how could she justify her behaviour.

"Thinking you were dead… It tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" He waited for her to justify the two years of silence.

Emotions played across her face, hurt, regret, sympathy and…. Anger? Then there was nothing no emotion, no reaction, just blank. It was only her eyes that gave away that there was more beneath the surface. He had seen her do this with journalists, masking her emotions to appear neutral, it annoyed Kaidan that she would try it here with him.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead, it took two years to bring me back." Shepherd reasoned. "So much time had passed. _You_ had moved on. I don't want to open up old wounds." Shepard stared impassively at Kaidan, waiting.

_Your move_ he interpreted.

She _had_ been dead? Death wasn't an incapacity that you could just heal from. For the first time since seeing her again he felt suspicion worm its way into his mind.

This was Cerberus they were dealing with after all.

But how could she say that he had moved on? What did she know of the last two years. A rush of realisation washed over him.

Dr Alana Cohen.

Unbidden the memory of Alana swam into his mind. Of them walking through the Persidum markets, she had smiled at him when they passed the newly released Alramani Designs campaign advert. He had laughed at her when she attempted mimic the Asari model's fierce look.

"Deadly, passionate…. Huntress, the fragrance" Unable to keep a straight face Alana had burst out laughing.

It was infectious, he couldn't help but laugh along with her. It had been the first time since the Normandy that he actually wholeheartedly laughed. Alana's dark brown hair had fallen over her face and Kaidan had reached over and brushed it back behind her ear. She had bright emerald eyes like Shepherd.

He buried the memory away. Thinking of Alana still hurt.

The Illusive Man had promised that Kaidan would pay the price for getting in the way, and Kaidan had assumed that Alana was that price. With Shepard standing in front of him now, he realised he may have been wrong.

If she knew about Dr Cohen, well… then she knew. He wouldn't have denied it anyway. Even though Dr Cohen had been just as traumatising to him as Shepards death had been.

"I did move on." Kaidan knew that he hadn't done anything wrong, yet standing in front of Shepard now he felt as though he had cheated on her. As though he had been caught red handed betraying her trust.

His anger was reignited with fresh fuel. Kaidan had thought Shepard was dead! It was her that had betrayed him! Especially given the company she kept now.

"At least I thought I had moved on. Now we are getting reports of you and Cerberus…" He left that hanging between them. She needed to give him answers.

_Your move_.

"Reports? You mean you already know?".

Kaidans head snapped to where the voice had come from. In his anger and relief he had forgotten that the scared Turian had been standing with Shepard as he approached.

Garrus.

His face was so disfigured that he had failed to notice that he was the one accompanying Shepard. She had seen fit to let Garrus know that she was alive. Guess he had confirmation on where he stood with Shepard.

Kaidan nodded his former comrade in acknowledgment.

"Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next on to get hit."

He could feel himself starting to calm. Garrus' presence confirmed what he had suspected earlier. The fact that she had not attempted to contact him but had contacted Garrus confirmed that she hadn't thought enough of Kaidan to contact him and let him know that she was alive. Knowing where he stood calmed him. He had his way out. She just hadn't cared for him as much as he had for her. It hurt and would have hurt more if not for two years of grieving her hadn't already been and gone, simply the reality was that he had lost her a long time ago.

They were now just two soldiers, former comrades, talking. And despite everything it was good to see she was alive.

"Anderson stonewalled me Shepard. But there were rumours that you were alive and working for the enemy."

He couldn't bring himself to acknowledge that she was inexplicably working for Cerberus. Feelings aside the woman him knew and the woman who had apparently risen from the dead and was working with Cerberus didn't match up. Kaidan was missing something.

"Cerberus and I want the same thing; to save our colonists. That does NOT mean I answer to them!" It was her turn to get angry now. He had hit a soft spot, he had called her what she had despised most, a traitor.

"Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you think?" Kaidan asked, measuring her response in his mind. He had learned a thing or two about Cerberus since she had been gone. Cerberus did not work with people, they controlled people and those people were easily disposed of. Even Commander Shepard could be discarded if she was deemed no longer useful.

Kaidan couldn't help but wonder just how much Shepard understood of her new partner. Maybe he could make her see how naïve she was being.

"I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, I never expected anything like this. You have turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance." Kaidan took a step towards Shepherd and held her gaze. "You betrayed me Shepard".

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason." Shepard still wore her mask but her eyes were imploring him to understand.

"You saw it yourself" She continued "The Collectors are targeting Human colonies. And they are working for the Reapers."

The Reapers? What evidence did Shepard have that the Collectors and the Reapers were working together to kidnap Humans? Kaidan had stood at Shepard's side when Sovereign had declared the end to all Organic life, not just Humans.

There had been husks here, and it took Reaper technology to make them but she knew that it didn't take Reapers to actually create them. If the Geth could use the technology it is plausible the Collectors could too.

He took a moment to really look at her. It was Shepard, but she looked younger. The corner of her eyes no longer had small laugh lines. There was no longer a puckered scar that cut into her top lip, her trophy from Elysium. The long scar that ran down her left cheek was also gone. That one had been a physical reminder of the cost of survival that she had paid at Mindor. There were a web of new scars to replace them. Fine lines of whitened skin, jig sawed her face like a puzzle reminding Kaidan of clothing seam lines.

She was changed. How much depended on how much Cerberus interfered.

"I want to believe you Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you." Kaidan hoped that Shepard would recognise the mistake that she was making. "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus interrupted angrily.

"I can see you are not going to listen to reason then" Shepard was angry with Kaidan now.

"You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. Where exactly does reason fit into any of this?" Kaidan snapped back at her.

Kaidan wasn't the lovesick Lieutenant anymore. He had two years to harden up, he was a Commander himself now. He was relieved that Shepard was alive, but he won't just follow her based on her say so. Especially if that say so involved Cerberus.

"You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider. Always will be." Kaidan rubbed his temple, the day had worn him down and he had been liberal with his use of biotics earlier. The tension in his temple meant that a migraine was about to start. He still had a lot to do, the remaining colonists needed to be checked, the Alliance needed to be notified.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not" Kaidan said simply. It was time to move on.

"I could use someone like you on my crew Kaidan. It'll just be like old times". Shepard implored, reaching out and grabbing Kaidan's arm as he turned to go.

Old times. Kaidan wasn't who he was two years ago. Obviously neither was Shepard. He took her hand and gently removed it from his arm.

"No, it wont. I'll never work for Cereberus." Kaidan told her simply. There was no room for discussion on this particular issue.

And Shepard didn't try to convince him any further.

After all that happened between them, this is what it had come down to.

"Goodbye Shepard. And be careful, Cerberus cannot be trusted."

He would have sworn before today that there would not have been anything that could have made him turn his back on her. But Kaidan did.

He turned around and walked away from Shepard.


	2. Chapter 1: Aftermath

**Chapter One: Aftermath**

**_Two years earlier_**

Kaidan resented being back on Earth. It felt like a failure, they had been utterly defeated and now sent to the naughty corner. Logically he knew that the Alliance was just following procedure, they did investigations whenever a "catastrophic" incident occurred.

But losing a prototype war ship and the first Human Spectre, did not in Kaidan's opinion, fit the term "catastrophic". It felt bigger than that, it needed a label with more meaning, more weight. However, in searching his thoughts for a more appropriate replacement Kaidan came up empty.

On a personal level it was worse, there was nothing that could adequately describe the grief, anger and feeling for utter and complete loss that he held tenuously at bay.

Perhaps the Alliance were also struggling to define the attack on the Normandy. Maybe that was why he had been called for a third time into the Vancouver headquarters for questioning. However, the entire investigation and Joker's court martial was wearing him down and Kaidan was unsure how many more times he could relive the events of the Normandy crash before he cracked. Or revealed too much about the nature of his and Shepard's relationship.

He wasn't interested in hiding the relationship to protect himself from disciplinary repercussions. Now it was all about protecting Shepard's reputation. He hadn't been able to protect her when it mattered and that failure meant that it was even more important for him to protect her now. Naomi had been full of life, a sun that pulled all those around her into her orbit. She would either allow them to radiate in her warmth or defeated them with her flaring rage that had been honed through years of training into efficient weapon. She was, no, had been the centre of Kaidan's universe, even after such a short amount time spent together. But now Kaidan felt that he was aimlessly hurtling through space. The guilt was the worst part of all, feeling like he had failed her, that he could have done more to save her was driving him mad, he felt as though he hadn't slept properly in a month. She had deserved better than an end at the hands of a cowardly hit-and-run attack. The whole situation left Kaidan feeling bitterly cheated and enraged, emotions that he fought hard to suppress, there would be time to grieve later.

In taking a deep steadying breath he calmed the tremor that had spread through his hands, laying them flat on the polished table in front of him. He had already memorised the room in his previous visits. It did not have corners, it just curved where sharp angles should have joined. The white walls were only interrupted by the two way mirror that stretched out in front of him. With only enough room for the metal table and matching uncomfortable chairs left the small room with the effect of a claustrophobic rectangle pod. Clinical and brightly lit Kaidan felt that it was strikingly similar to the C-sec rooms on the Citadel. Other than memorising the sparse room there was little Kaidan could do while waiting for the investigators and it was apparent that they were fans of making him wait. At least this time they had offered Kaidan a coffee to nurse while he was waiting.

He suppressed a small smile as he reached for the now lukewarm coffee. A small part of him still expected to walk out of the room and find her in the hall waiting for him. Her ready smile and cheeky glint to her eyes while she sarcastically vented her frustration about bureaucrats and regulations. It would have been just like her to gloat as she recounted how she "accidently" cracked the rooms mirror while _lifting_ a chair to occupy her boredom. It was juvenile but it fitted the memory of the woman that he had come to love. Clutching the coffee mug like his own personal life raft against the flood of emotion threatening to overwhelm him, Kaidan cursed himself for allowing his mind to wander to Shepard. He needed to remain calm if he was going to keep it together for another round of questioning.

Sipping the coffee he tried to relax, Liara had taught him some meditation techniques which he had often used to help manage the migraines. They were surprisingly effective in keeping grief at bay. One deep breath in. Just one last interrogation. Long exhale out. The coffee was surprisingly bitter and unsweetened, it was really just foul. Just get through this session and he would tempt disciplinary charges and refuse any further "requests". He had already cooperated within reason and enough was enough.

Pain stabbed into the palms of his hand and coffee spilled out over the table.

"Damn it!" Kaidan cursed leaping back from the table, the coffee spilling over the edge, pooling on the floor. For a moment he could only stare, his left right hand still pointless gripped the handle of the now shattered mug. He could feel the biotic charge through his fingers. He took another deep breath and allowed the biotics to lose their charge. There was still a throbbing pain in his right palm where a large chunk of the ceramic cup had imbedded itself. Plucking the shard out dismissively he let drop on the table. Kaidan didn't bother keying in his omnitool for medigel, a little cut wasn't going to kill him after all, instead he moved away from the table to lean against the far wall. It felt good to stand after sitting for so long and so he settled into staring at the door hoping the investigators wouldn't keep him much longer.

He felt bad about the mess but although the door panel was lit the unlocked green, protocol meant that he couldn't leave before being dismissed. The panel may as well have been locked red.

"They do take their sweet time don't they?" Shepard laughed, she was sitting in the investigators seat.

"Yeah…." Kaidan exhaled. Nothing ever bothered her, even waiting in a drab empty room.

Naomi laughed, winking at him as she swung her feet up onto the table and rocking the chair back. Her hands were casually folded behind her head.

"Do you think if I just keep tapping on the window they will hurry the hell up?" She asked reaching up rapping her knuckles on the mirror behind her in repetitive succession.

Shaking his head Kaidan had to look away to stop himself laughing. Naomi was wonderful in her arrogance, she hadn't even bothered to put a uniform to come in today. Instead opting for black jeans, tank top and boots.

Realisation dawned on him. Shepard was dead, he had come to the headquarters alone. He was waiting in the room by himself….

He was almost afraid to look up, the rhythmic tapping had stopped but he was afraid that she would still be sitting there.

She was leaning forward over the table from her seat. Her expression full of concern. Looking at her again took Kaidan's breath away, he didn't care what the implications were. He got to see her again.

"I can go if that's what you want Kaidan" Her voice was exactly as he remembered. His vision of her had her blood red hair falling carelessly lose over her shoulders. Everything about her was beautiful, even the scars over her top lip and left cheek added to her beauty, rather than subtracting from it. He knew he wasn't ready to let her go.

He shook his head sadly in answer.

"Good to hear Lieutenant" Kaidan could hear the smile in her voice. Something must have finally cracked with his L2 implant.

Kaidan was snapped out of his thoughts with the swish of the room doors sliding open. To his surprise it wasn't an Alliance investigator who appeared on the other side of the opening. Kaidan swiftly stood to attention and held his salute as Admiral Hackett strode into the room. The Admiral was followed closely behind by a nervous private in dress uniform who to Kaidan's embarrassment was carrying a stack of paper towels.

"At ease Lutentiant" Hackett stated simply, his hoarse voice spoke with easy authority and matched the worn features of his battle scarred face. The man had earned his authority and reputation through a career of dedicated and merited service. Hackett walked to where Naomi had been seated a moment earlier. She was gone. Stealing a stealthy glance around the room, she was no longer here. This wasn't good, Kaidan had no desire to end his career or spend the remainder of his life living on reparations. Just another L2 statistic.

"Private" Hackett addressed the boy with an inclining a tilt of his head towards the table. The Private sprang to life frantically working to mop up the mess on the table top.

"Sorry to keep you waiting Lieutenant" Hackett stated casually as the Private finished up.

"No need, sir" Kaidan replied casually, his heart was racing, the vision of Shepard was startling enough and now he was going to questioned by the most decorated Admiral in the Alliance military.

Despite the integral role that the Admiral had played in the final fight against Saren and seeing him regularly on the Alliance News vids, Kaidan had never seen the man in person. Perhaps in different situation Kaidan would have felt a little honoured, but as it was Kaidan couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of why the man was here to personally run an interview. It seemed beneath someone of his stature and the current affairs of the galaxy meant that there would be more important demands Hackett's attention. The imminent Reaper invasion, rebuilding of the Citadel and the elections of Humanities representative to the Council were surely at the top of what Kaidan was sure to be an exhaustive list.

The Private finished up with the mess and clumsily saluted the Admiral and practically ran from the room. The door's omni panel snapped to red as it hissed shut. Not a good omen.

"How's the hand?" Hackett asked Kaidan casually, gesturing for him to take his seat again.

"Fine, sir" Kaidan moved to sit down, unsure of how to proceed, should he apologise for the coffee? It was a little juvenile to not be in control of his biotics and breaking objects because he was upset.

"Uh sorry about the…. " He began sheepishly, but Hackett silenced him with a wave of his hand seating himself across from him and removing his dress hat.

Placing the hat carefully to the side, Hackett laid out on the table a data pad that Kaidan hadn't noticed Hackett carrying into the room.

"Lieutenant, this is an off the record discussion so you have permission to speak freely." Hackett stated. Knotting his hands together he considered Kaidan with a steely gaze.

"Understood, sir" Kaidan responded, his suspicions growing. Where was this going?

A silence stretched out between them before Hackett continued flicking through files on the datapad in front of him as he spoke. "Anderson has told me quite a bit about you Lieutenant. The unfortunate incident at BAaT, near perfect training scores." Pausing Hackett lifted the data pad to examine it a little closer before discarding it completely on the table. "Your special commendations are particularly impressive, specifically the role you played on the mission to Bass. Slave rescues rarely go as smoothly as that one did. I can see why Anderson specifically requested your addition to the Normandy crew."

"Thank you sir" Kaidan replied flatly. He had always been proud of his role in that mission, but it seemed a little insignificant after what happened with Saren.

Hackett raised an eyebrow before continuing "Your role on the Normandy is also noted of course. You've come a long way since joining the Alliance. Some would have considered your recruitment dubious, with the generalised reputation of L2's and your display of violent behaviour at BAaT…"

Kaidan interrupted Hackett annoyed. "Is there an issue with the way I have conducted myself sir?"

Hackett shook his head, leaning forward Hackett resting his arms on the table, seemingly relaxed and in no rush to hurry the proceedings along.

"No Alenko, there is no issue with your performance. Quite the opposite in fact. I was simply stating second chances often are necessary. Past behaviour is not necessarily indicative of a persons ability in the future."

If the Admiral was making a point, it was lost on Kaidan. Instead of acknowledging the Admiral Kaidan just allowed a further silence pass between them. "Tell me what happened with Normandy, from your perspective" Hackett directed.

Kaidan was taken aback, surely this was a waste of the Admirals time, if that was really what he was wanting to discuss. "I've already given my report sir, and have sat through inter….. debriefings twice already"

"I know, I've read them, just humour me" Hackett pressed, relaxing into his chair.

"There's nothing more to say, the Normandy was scanning the system for Geth activity and Stealth systems were engaged. Despite that we were attacked by an unidentified ship which opened fire on the Normandy. The weapons it used tore through the Normandy shields." Kaidan was interrupted by another silencing gesture from Hackett.

"As I said Lieutenant, I know the facts, off the record I want the full story from your perspective. Start with where you were when the attack occurred." Hackett directed.

Kaidan grimaced, there was no avoiding this then.

"I was down in Engineering. I was on shift for weapon maintenance, we were rostered turns at the duty since losing Gunnery Chief Williams."

Hackett nodded for Kaidan to continue.

_Garrus walked over to where Kaidan worked at the weapons bench. There was something about cleaning and prepping weapons that Kaidan felt was soothing. It was meticulous and sometimes mindless, but oddly satisfying. "Alenko, I need a favour. Don't touch my Rifle."_

_"Is there a particular reason why your rifle shouldn't be cleaned Garrus?" Kaidan asked half-heartedly continuing to work on the pistol already in his hands. The Turian had been slowly growing increasingly delinquent about the some of the daily routines and procedures that governed life on the Normandy. It annoyed Kaidan that Garrus considered it ok to bend the rules to suit himself. First it was how the Mako's main cannon's targeting should be calibrated and now this._

_"I never said anything about it not being maintained, but I have the old girl set the way I like it she practically dances in my hands. And well when it is set to the Alliance standard her aim is a little… off." His mandibles flared slightly, emphasising the joking casual tone of his voice. Months of working with the Turian meant that Kaidan was finding it easier to interpret his facial expressions, but damn it, it would be easier if Turian's had lips and eyebrows. _

_"I won't mess with the settings Garrus" Kaidan began, finishing assembling the pistol in his hand and putting it to the side. To emphasise his point Kaidan reached over Wrex's shotgun which was next in line and picked up the Turian's rifle. _

_Garrus' quickly reached out and grasped the barrel of the unloaded gun. Both men refusing to relinquish their hold on the gun, staring at each other in a standoff. _

_"We'll put it down to jealously then Alenko. I don't want others touching my dance partner" Garrus challenged._

_He wasn't sure how or when it happened but Kaidan was aware that unconsciously he and Garrus had become polarised opposites at some point during the investigation into Saren. Repelling each other, not because of dislike but simply due to their individual polarisations. If not for Shepard they would rarely find themselves even in the same room these days. This hadn't been the first stand off like this and likely it wouldn't be the last. _

_The muffled sound of an explosion rumbled through the lower deck interpreting the men, before either could express their confusion the loud drilling sound of the evacuation order sounded throughout the ship. Both men dived to grasp onto the bench for support as the Normandy tilted unexpectedly to the side leaving them in pitch darkness as the lights cut out. Joker must have engaged some serious evasion maneuverers if the Normandy's gravity wasn't adjusting as quickly as the ship moved. There was a tense thirty seconds where Kaidan grasped the bench tightly, feeling the Normandy shifting unsteadily beneath his feet before the Normandy emergency grav control and lighting to come on. _

_Something had gone badly wrong. _

_Garrus and Kaidan's eyes met from across the bench, the Turian mandibles flared. Kaidan nodded grimly in return. The two men moving in unison and sprinted to the lockers to suit up. _

_To Kaidan's amusement Garrus still held the sniper rifle in his hand. _

"Your report stated that you and Vakarian then helped co-ordinate the evac of staff. Vakerian started on the lower deck and you went to the flight deck?" Hackett asked it as a question, but Kaidan understood that there was little question to it, Hackett had already memorised his report, he just needed Kaidan to retell it.

"Yes, it was at that point that I realised that we had lost Navigator Pressly and Officer Chase. All the flight deck crew assisted where possible in initiating auto pilot sequence however some of these sequences were manually shut down from the cockpit." Kaidan reported tersely.

"You are referring to Joker correct?" Hackett prompted.

"Yes, sir. I am".

_The flight deck was in chaos. Crew were running in all directions some heading to make their way to crew deck. Kaidan had just come up from the elevators and knew that one side of the stair case was completely collapsed with live electrical wires hanging precariously exposed. Whoever had attacked had made quick work of the Normandy. _

_"Emergency protocols in effect! Crew members are to evacuate directly to flight deck escape pods!" He shouted over the confusion at the crew. Grabbing the shoulder of one crew member setting off to the crew deck and physically shoving her in the direction of the pods. "Abandon stations! NOW!" _

_His order snapped the few crew left into co-ordinated action and they began running to the pods. All across the flight deck consoles overloaded or sparked angrily. To his dismay he could see at least two stations where the attending crew member lay splayed out on the ground with unseeing eyes. _

_Of the three pods on this level, two were ready for loading and crew members were moving to fill them quickly. Joker was still seated in his pilot chair and showed no signs of leaving his station, his hands flying out across the pilot controls quicker than what Kaidan could register what exactly he was doing. At least he had the sense to put on a breather helmet. _

_"Joker we've got to evacuate now!" Kaidan yelled jogging over to the pilot chair._

_"No, the Normandy can still be saved we just have to hold on! I'm not giving up on her!" Joker yelled over the groaning of the ship as he tried to force her broken limbs resisted Joker's insistent controls, forcing the ship to her limits. _

_"Joker…" Kaidan began to argue, interrupted by the screeching of steel and sudden whoosh of a vacuum breech. To his horror he saw the roof above the Galaxy map peel back off the ship, the breech a sucking a straggling crew member into the void beyond. Kaidan hadn't even been able to even get a good look at who the poor soul was before they were lost. The barrier to the cockpit flew into effect and in synchronisation the two filled pods clamped shut, launching into the surface of the planet below. _

_"Joker!" Kaidan yelled across to the pilot. _

_"I'm not going Kaidan! Get the crew out of here!" Joker yelled back in response, the pilot was going nowhere. _

_Kaidan knew the protocol. If Joker refused Kaidan had to move on and evacuate as many crew as possible. _

_"Where's Shepard?" He yelled over the sound of a further explosion, this time it was the backup Navigation console. Joker was officially flying practically blind._

_"She's still fixing the distress beacon for launch." Joker responded quickly. _

_Kaidan gently grasped the pilots shoulder, aware of how brittle the man could be, and set off immediately across the flight deck. Grateful that he had been able to fully suit up beforehand. _

"And that is when you went to find Shepard. How many requests did you make to Joker to evacuate?" Hackett probed.

"There was the initial evacuation order and then I personally addressed him twice." Kaidan responded. "As stated in my report sir". He could hear the bitterness in his own voice as he recounted that encounter with Joker. He had replayed it to himself a dozen times over in the last month. How he could have just picked the man up physically, or even with biotics and forced him into the escape pod. Or even how he could have just forgotten to report it to Shepard. Either would have meant that possibly she would still be alive.

"And what happened when you found Shepard on the crew deck?" Hackett asked.

"She finished with the distress beacon and ordered me to finish evacuating the crew. She was going to try one last time to get Joker to evacuate." Kaidan reported.

"Did you try and sway her from that course?" Hackett asked

_"Kaidan go!" Shepard's tone left no room for argument. He did not want to leave her to deal with Joker alone, not with the flight deck in crumbling pieces. But they had promised to keep their relationship separate from their duties. This was the first time though that his feelings kept him from fulfilling that promise. _

_"I'm not leaving!" He retorted, spraying the fire that was interfering with the beacons launch. To his relief it went out quickly and the beacons launch sequence lit up green, beginning its cycle to automatic take off. _

_"That's an order Kaidan!" Shepard snatched the extinguisher from his hands and turned back to the beacon, using the manual overrides to ignore preparation sequences and launch immediately. "Now go!"_

_She had pulled rank on him, he was angry at her for doing so but she had reminded him that duty was supposed to come first. _

_"Aye, aye.. ma'am" He responded officially and turned his focus to the crew. It was Shepard after all, she had survived worse. He needed to trust her and she had never let him down._

"We argued briefly but she had given an official order and I was expected to see it through." Kaidan advised Hackett.

"I doubt she would have listened anyway Kaidan. She was always single minded, even up to the very end it would seem." Hackett assured Kaidan, he spoke of Shepard with familiarity and amusement. The way a parent would reminisce on the antics of a beloved child. For his part though Kaidan did not respond, choosing to stare at his clasped hands resting on the tabletop. In all his military career that was the only order that had ever truly caused him regret.

_A blizzard had set in on the planet surface making visibility near impossible as Kaidan and Garrus trudged their way through the soft powder. They were within 100 metres of where the final escape pod had landed. They had left Liara and Chakwas behind to see to the crew. Wrex had dragged a majority of the pods together to make a makeshift ring of shelters. He may have been assisted by Liara's biotics, but there were definite advantages to having Krogan muscle as part of the team. _

_Garrus's Omni tool signalled frantically and he pointed in the direction they needed to go. Kaidan simply nodded. Even with their suit to suit communicators there was no point talking over the loud howling wind. _

_The blizzard obscured the pod to the last minute, Kaidan and Garrus had to stop suddenly to prevent running head first into it. Thankfully it had landed right side up, the door unobstructed. Signalling the door release with his Omni tool and typing the codes with a frantic, frozen fingers, Kaidan felt the nervous pound of his heart beat through his chest. He just needed to know that Naomi was safe. Garrus all but dived through the door as it slid open, Kaidan following quickly. The door locking closed behind him. _

_Joker was sitting on the chair closest to where they had entered from, he did not look up at them as they entered. His head hung was low, cradled in his hands, obscuring his face. Somewhere in the back of his mind Kaidan registered the slight shake to the man's shoulders. He was distracted though, other than the three of them, the pod was empty. _

_Shepard was gone. _

"When we arrived on the planet surface I co-ordinated the pod retrievals with Garrus and tried to raise Shepard on the communicator. We couldn't raise her or Joker, but given the blizzard it wasn't unusual for a communications drop out." Kaidan hoped that Hackett did not register the thickness of his voice, praying that he wasn't exposing how deeply affected he was by her loss.

_"What the hell happened Joker?!" Kaidan knew he was yelling, he registered that Joker was obviously distraught. He knew all this, he just didn't care. _

_"Kaidan….I…. she's gone Kaidan!" Joker looked up to Kaidan from where he sat. His eyes bloodshot, swollen with tears. Grief and anger prominent on his face. "SHE'S GONE!" Joker yelled anguished. His voice echoing throughout the pod. _

_She was gone. _

_"Kaidan…." Garrus warned sympathetically placing a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. _

_Kaidan shook free of the Turian and removed the pack from his back. Throwing down carelessly down on the seat next Joker his share of the food rations for the night and medigel. Before turning to squarely to face Garrus. _

_"No, Garrus! He said "SHE" is gone." Kaidan was shaking with anger, it was all he could do to restrain his biotics from charging " I doubt he is as upset about Shepard as you think! It was the Normandy he cared about. The only "SHE" he cared about!" Kaidan spat the words out in a venomous hiss. _

_Joker stared at him speechless, as if Kaidan's words had physically wounded him. Garrus was silent, his arms tightly folded across his chest, considering the pair of Humans, before sighing loudly. _

_"I'll try and raise base camp" He declared sparing Kaidan and Joker a final glance before putting his helmet back, picking up the signal booster they had bought. "It's going to be a long night.." he muttered exiting the pod. _

_Kaidan paid neither of them any further thought, instead moving to the furthest side of the pod to settle in for the night. He knew he was in shock, that part of him still thought that Shepard would walk through the pod door with that sly smirk on her face. That she would cheat death one more time, just like back on the Citadel…. But then the uninvited image of her floating lifelessly out in space came into his mind… the grief that image caused was his undoing. _

_ If he had to spend the night here he wanted as much distance between himself and Joker as possible. _

"Going through your report and the transcript of your testimony at Joker's court marshalling you were particularly harsh towards him" Hackett absentmindedly tapped the data pad. "It doesn't take much to safely assume that you blame him for Shepard's loss, but you conceded that he was an excellent pilot so you doubted that there was more that he could have done to avoid the Normandy destruction, correct?"

"That would be a fair assessment sir" Kaidan responded stoically.

"Do you feel that is particularly fair though? To lay the blame for Shepard's death solely on Joker?" Hackett probed.

"Yeah I do" Kaidan answered defiantly. If this was the reason Hackett had called Kaidan in for, he was sadly mistaken to think that Kaidan would be swayed to adopt a softer stance towards Joker.

"Why is that?" Hackett asked.

"Joker ignored the evacuation order of his superior officer, he ignored myself when I approached him and he ignored protocol. It was clearly evident that Normandy was lost." Kaidan paused remembering Shepard's final order to him, he had wished that he had seen her face one more time, in person, the vision Shepard didn't count. "If he had followed the evacuation order when he was supposed to, Shepard would not have needed to go up to the bridge or still be on the Normandy when it was finally destroyed". Kaidan finished, silently challenging the Admiral to say differently.

"If that's your final word Lieutenant" Hackett replied remorsefully "It's a shame, I saw what Joker could do in the battle against Saren. I had hoped that if you were willing to soften your stance on the matter the Admirals would be swayed to be a little more lenient in their ruling at the hearing tomorrow".

"I'm sorry you were mistaken sir" Kaidan advised Hackett simply.

"Well it is shame, the Alliance will be losing its best pilot" Hackett stated grimly. Picking up his dress hat, putting it back on as he stood from his chair.

"Yeah well, Shepard _was_ the Alliance's best" Kaidan retorted angrily.

Hackett paused picking up the data pad and tucking it underneath his arm, considering Kaidan intently. "We all regret Shepard's loss Lieutenant. Women like her are one in a million."

Striding to the door Hackett paused before turning back to Kaidan.

"Lieutenant, following the leadership that you showed during this incident I will be requesting a promotion to Staff Commander. However, consider yourself on shore leave. Report back here in one months time for reassignment. Dismissed"

Bewildered Kaidan rose from his chair and saluted the Admiral. Hackett nodded in acknowledgement before leaving Kaidan alone again.

"That went well" Shepard was back leaning against the mirror gazing at the door. "You're being a bit harsh on Joker though."

Kaidan angrily looked up to her, she was just a mirage, he didn't need her judgement. Joker, despite whatever his intent may have been, caused Shepard's death.

"Kaidan…." Shepard sighed deeply, her voice softening. "I choose to go up there. It was my duty, you above anyone else understand that."

She was right, Kaidan did understand. It didn't make her loss any less painful. Dying for duty or no, Kaidan had counted Naomi to be part of his future and now he had been robbed of that.

He felt as though he had been dragged through the emotional wringer. Now Hackett was going to recommend a promotion? Shepard's death had been suddenly reduced to a case study for recruits and a clinical examination of his own actions and whether they were promotion worthy.

"You're a good leader Kaidan. A perfect choice for a Commander, you know I would have been proud of you."

She was using past tense. Kaidan was surprised by how much hearing that from her seemed to emphasise his grief.

"Oh Shepard." Kaidan groaned collapsing into the chair, his head in his hands.

He allowed himself to feel for the first time since finding the escape pod the emptiness that she had left in his life. One minute of grief was allowed and then he would leave the room.


	3. Chapter 2:Old friends and new beginnings

**Chapter 2: Old friends and new beginnings **

Hackett walked towards the Presidium office without first checking with the Asari secretary out the front. In his peripheral he saw her jump up and practically run after him as the office doors slid open allowing his entrance.

"Sir, Admiral Hackett is here to see you." She called breathlessly to Anderson as she all but stumbled into the room after Hackett. Obviously the tight fitting dresses the Asari were wearing this season did not accommodate running. Nor would the heels, Hackett humoured himself as the click of feet stormed past him to hand Anderson the datapad she had managed to carry in with her.

"Hackett! You're early, how was your flight?" Anderson welcomed him warmly nodding his thanks to the secretary as he did. "Hold any calls or messages, thank you".

"Of course Admiral" The Asari smiled warmly, her pretty features however turned to disdain as she passed Hackett, targeting him with icy glare as she strode back out of the room. Hackett smiled at Anderson amused. His old friend shook his head amusedly before walking to the cabinet and removing a large bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, pouring himself and Hackett a glass each.

"Well you always knew how to make a good first impression" Anderson smiled, handing the glass over and clasping Hackett's shoulder in a familiar gesture.

Hackett shrugged, sipping the smooth, warming liquid. "What can I say? I have a way with the ladies".

Anderson laughed gesturing for Hackett to join him on the balcony. Hackett had only had the opportunity to see the Presidium once before Sovereign had made a mess of it. Despite the obvious repairs that were well underway the Presidium had somehow managed to remain beautiful. From the balcony the artificial sun lit the area in bright warm glow. A lot of greenery hadn't grown back and there was a large chunk of Sovereign currently being retrieved from the lake by crane, but it was almost peaceful. Nearly three months on, Citadel life had begun to regain a sense of normality. The galaxy was already beginning to forget the danger that Sovereign posed, Shepard's warnings fading from memory in favour for the return of safe daily routine.

"How is the election going?" Hackett casually questioned, from what he could tell by the news feeds though he already suspected Anderson's answer and immediately felt a renewed pang of frustration for his friend.

"Not good. The Council is already moving to squash the rumours about a Reaper invasion, something that Udina was more than happy to pander to. I'm not adapt with the back room politics stuff, but I'm not so stupid that I can't recognise that Udina is offering them what I cannot. A false sense of security." Anderson sighed heavily "I'm not cut out for this, I don't have the patience or decorum. But I can't walk away now, with Shepard gone someone needs to the keep preparation for the Reapers as a top priority."

Hackett nodded grimly. He did not envy Anderson. Like him, Hackett was a solider at heart. Put him at the head of a fleet amidst a critical fire fight and Hackett felt confident, assured and at home. Put him in a board room with politicians, well that's a different story.

But Anderson was right. The Council had to buy into the importance of the threat that the Reapers posed. Humanity was not going to be alone in that fight, nor should they be alone in the preparations for it.

"Stick with it. You're doing good work" Hackett replied simply raising his glass to Anderson.

"Yeah, here's to the good fight" Anderson clinked his glass with Hackett, taking a long drag of the blue liquid.

"I take it you have heard that Alenko's promotion has been approved?" Hackett asked Anderson after sipping from his own glass, the chilled liquid washing over his palate and warming his parched throat. It had been a long journey to the Citadel.

"Yeah, I heard. Do you feel he is ready for this?" Anderson questioned. "What happened on the Normandy was a hell of an ordeal. Can't say that I was unaffected and I wasn't even there".

Hackett nodded in agreement. There had been a lot of people counting on Shepard, assuming that she would always come home in one piece. They had lost sight of the fact that she was just a Human like the rest of them.

"Psyc evaluations have come back normal. There is residual anger of course but nothing remarkable." Hackett informed Anderson. "What I'm worried about is whether he is able to think outside of rule book. He shows promise and if Shepard has had any influence on him, then he is our man. But he is very…. Straight cut."

"I wouldn't worry about that, Alenko is a good solider, honourable too. You don't come across that too often these days." Anderson nodded approvingly "Besides Shepard had a way of influencing all those around her. I swear that woman indoctrinated people to her cause faster than any Reaper would have managed. I doubt that it will take him long to fit into the role."

Hackett couldn't suppress the hearty chortle at Anderson's assessment, it was accurate enough description of the woman he remembered. "It's a shame those charms never quite worked on the Council though, would have made our jobs now a lot easier" Hackett remarked.

Anderson nodded grimly in concentration. From where they stood, they had a clear view of the Citadel tower. The outside of the tower was a hive of activity as repair workers scaled its sides, the distant sounds of tools occasionally drifting over to them. There was so much work to be done, not just in Presidium or Council elections, if he thought on the matter too much it would threaten to overwhelm even Hackett. They needed more Intel on their enemy if they were going to adequately prepare. For that they needed help.

"Well we will have to see how he goes with the investigation we are giving him. I think you are right though. Alenko is going to prove to be our man" Hackett stated approvingly. Anderson nodded in agreement and the two comrades fell into a comfortable silence overlooking the Presidium in its broken glory.

The chunk of Sovereign was now clearly suspended by the crane over of the Presidium Lake, the Turian crew were making quick work of removing the debris.

Alenko wasn't Shepard, but he would do. The Reapers were coming.

Kaidan closed his extranet mail account, he hadn't bothered to open the latest message from Liara. Most of his inbox had been flooded by unread messages from her. Kaidan however wasn't prepared to go them, he already knew what they would be about and emotionally he was not prepared to go back there with her. Normally it was easy to forget how "young" the Asari was, but her blatant disregard for the facts meant that she was struggling even more than Kaidan to let Naomi go. Liara evidentially was still young enough to believe in miracles.

Deciding to open the extranet news feed rather than dwell on the matter any longer Kaidan flicked through the headline stories, pausing on an article about a recent press conference with the Salarian Councillor:

_"__The story of the Reapers was an elaborate and deceptive lie created by Saren to keep his Geth armies under control. What we should all take away from the Geth attack on the Citadel is a cautionary tale of the dangers that Artificial Intelligences pose to us all. The Citadel laws maintain that there is a delicate balance between technological advancements in VI systems and protecting the galaxy from rogue Artificial Intelligence. It is every single citizen's role to remain vigilant, especially in recognising the use of banned Alien technology…."_

Kaidan sighed heavily, the Council had proven to be determined to deny the Reapers existence. Whether to protect citizens from panicking or because of genuine denial Kaidan could not say for certain. He closed the story and flicked to the next headline, instantly regretting doing so.

_"__Nearly three months on and the Alliance remains tight lipped on the mystery of the final flight of the SSV Normandy. Many unofficial and unconfirmed reports state that the Normandy, which was captained by the first and to date only Human Spectre, Commander Naomi Shepard, had come under attack by an as-yet unidentified Alien species. Our sources from within the Alliance, who choose to remain anonymous, state that the Normandy (which was state of the art in both design and engineering) was obliterated by technology and weapons far superior to what is currently used by the Alliance or any Citadel Council race. The source went to state that rumours Commander Shepard had indeed been killed during this violent encounter were accurate, further fuelling speculation of an Alliance cover up. Particularly in light of the fact there have been no sightings or media engagements with the Commander since confirmation of the attack. _

_Perhaps the most damming evidence is the ruling of the Alliance Navy to ground decorated pilot Senior Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. Moreau, who had been the pilot of the SSV Normandy at the time of the incident, had gained previously gained much acclaim and recognition following the crucial role he played in the decisive, Alliance led, victory against Saren at the Citadel. Our sources now report that he has been grounded indefinitely. "He would have been dishonourably discharged if not for his role in the Battle of the Citadel. However, the Alliance are holding him accountable for her [Commander Shepard] death". _

_While Lieutenant Moreau refused to comment to our reporters as he bordered Colony Transport yesterday afternoon, the Alliance made a statement to the media late yesterday evening; "We regret the necessity of the ruling against Senior Flight Lieutenant Moreau resulting from his own personal actions regarding formal evacuation processes."_

_The representative went on to say that the Alliance did not hold the pilot responsible for the deaths of the confirmed 32 Alliance staff who perished on the Normandy, rather that his actions had ensured that the surviving crew were able to evacuate appropriately. Stating that the findings were merely a formality and they hoped to see "Joker" (as he is affectionately known) at the helm of an Alliance vessel in the near future. The Alliance represented refused to make any comment on the speculation of Commander Shepard's wellbeing… _

Kaidan closed the site down, switching his Omni tool to standby. His month of shore leave had come and gone, followed by psyc evaluations and further debriefings. Kaidan knew that he had been cleared for return to duty however he had not been reassigned. The result meant that he had plenty of long empty days to try and fill.

While after a solid year of almost continuous service Kaidan should have been grateful for the break, it would have been his preference to be busy. In fact if someone had told him prior to the incident with the Normandy he would have a little more than 3 months of down time on Earth Kaidan would have been eagerly looking forward to it. But back then he was expecting to spend the shore leave with Naomi.

Three months had given him a little distance, her loss was beginning to lose its sting. It helped that he was able to just step back into the routine of normal pre-Normandy daily life. She had never been part of family brunches or his long runs along New Vancouver Bay and while he regretted that he had been robbed of the opportunity for to do so, it also gave him a sense of normality. A sense that it was possible for life to continue without her. Although Kaidan remained undecided as to whether that was a good thing or not. Completely putting aside his grief though was impossible, there were constant reminders of her everywhere.

Shepard was now the poster girl of the Alliance recruitment campaign, the attack on the Citadel still got regular air time on the news vids. Even if he deliberately avoided switching the extranet on he could not get out of been required to discuss the events with an Alliance psychiatrist. He understood that it was standard protocol to ensure he was emotionally well adjusted enough to continue to serve, that didn't make it easier though.

Then of course there was the insistent and constant messages from Liara.

Kaidan had reached a point of emotional exhaustion and so he had allowed the pain of losing Shepard to dull. Preferring instead to rest in a sense of apathy. Apathy he could deal with. Apathy meant that he could move on life. It also meant that he did not feel bad about ignoring Liara's messages as she tried to drag him back to living in the past. Perhaps it had also put an end to the apparitions. He hadn't seen "Shepard" since the meeting with Hackett.

"Mind if I join you son?" The voice of his Father approaching him snapped Kaidan out of his thoughts. Smiling his thanks, Kaidan accepted the beer that his father held out to him as he came to join Kaidan on the balcony overlooking the scenic New Vancouver Bay. The expansive view the Bay was stretched out before them. The sky glowed orange as the setting sun was lost behind the high rise metropolis in the distance. Ships were coming and going, even at this time of late afternoon, heading to or from the Alliance docking bays which were obscured by the prominent Alliance headquarter building. The sense of Déjà vu was not lost Kaidan.

"Always come down to this, huh?" he asked his Father bemused by the irony of the situation. "Share a beer and pearl of wisdom?"

His father smiled reassuringly "Would it help?"

Kaidan shrugged and took another sip, staring out to the sun setting across the bay. He may no longer be the confused and angry kid from Brain Camp, but he still valued the advice from his Father. Kaidan just wasn't sure there was any advice he would find useful right now. They were both older and (Kaidan hoped on his part) a little wiser since the last time they had found themselves in this situation. The time that had past was most clearly evident on his Father's lined face and silvered hair. A probable glimpse into his own future given how alike their appearances were.

"I remember when you came back from that hell you called Brain Camp. Do you remember what I said back then?" His father asked gently. He had calming effect on most people and his Mother had said on more than one occasion that his Father was as stable and stubborn as a rock. It felt good to be standing there with him, it reinforced to him that the future was still out there, no matter the scars of the past.

"Even the right choices have consequences" Kaidan recited. Truer words had never been spoken.

Nodding his father regarded him for a moment. "Look it's hard to see the crew you were a part of go down like that but you do them no service carrying their memory around to torment yourself with".

"Torment?" Kaidan smirked mirthlessly. "Don't going telling the psyc that Dad, they'll revoke my clearance and classify me as a Cat6."

"An Alliance doctor isn't your Father, son." His father playfully nudged him.

Kaidan smiled in despite of himself, his father knew him too well. Kaidan had worked tirelessly to avoid talking about Naomi and to keep their relationship hidden that he realised he had never just come out and said plainly that he missed her or that he grieved for her, more so than if he had simply just lost his Commander. If he couldn't be truthful with his own Father then who could he be honest with?

"I loved her Dad. Naomi Shepard, I mean". His confession took his Father aback, a mixture of sadness and pity played across his face as the implications of what Kaidan had told him sunk in.

"It's a shame I never got to meet her then" He stated simply. Kaidan was grateful to his Father for not settling on empty words of sympathy, somehow managing to cut through to the genuine heart of the matter. "Had you told her that? Before the Normandy … you know." His Father's uncertainty was unsettling, it wasn't like him to be unsure, but Kaidan understood that with his Father being ex-Alliance he would be well aware of fraternisation regs. After all, his parents had both left the Alliance in order to pursue their relationship.

"No, I hadn't told her. I was too busy trying to "be certain" before saying anything. I wasn't wanting to scare her away either." Kaidan sighed heavily "I was being too cautious really. But I think she knew how I felt."

There was a long moment of pause between them. Kaidan had thought on the matter for a long time early into his leave, eventually settling on the fact that if Shepard hadn't known that he loved her, she at least knew that he cared about her. They would always have that night before Ilos, and that would have to be enough for Kaidan to be content with.

"So what now? I mean where to from here?" His Father asked, breaking the silence between them and taking a long swig from his beer, eyeing Kaidan from over the top of the bottle.

This was also a matter that Kaidan had given a lot of thought to. Not so much on the decision itself, but how he would go about being able to do it.

"She had uncovered something huge Dad. Despite what the extranet may report the Reapers are real and if they have their way it's the end of life as we know it. If she isn't here to help find a way to protect the Galaxy, well then it means I have to find a way to do it for her." Kaidan stated it simply, as if deciding on it meant that he could just go out and do it. The reality was that he was a solider and would have to go wherever the Alliance posted him, but perhaps he could manage to talk to Anderson again….

"Sounds like a good way to honour her memory son." His father nodded approvingly. "Just remember to have a life as well. I doubt that someone like Commander Shepard would want you to spend the rest of your life mourning and working."

"No, she wouldn't" Kaidan agreed, remembering her advice to him when Ash had died.

_"__I will remember her and next time I will do better, for her."_

"For what it is worth son, I'm sorry." His Father reached out and grasped his shoulder in commiseration "She must have been an amazing woman. Not because of that Spectre rubbish, but because you loved her." His Father let what he said sink, a thoughtful silence passing between them, before his Father released his grip on Kaidan's shoulder. "I'll leave you to it, just remember what we discussed, ok?"

"Yeah… I will, thanks" Kaidan tilted his bottle in salute to his Father as he walked back inside. Closing the balcony door as he did, leaving Kaidan alone with his thoughts.

It was funny how much had changed for Kaidan since he returned home from Brain Camp. Even more in those few short but intense months aboard the Normandy. In a years' time things were likely to be changed just as much again. Especially if Reapers were to show up. Just how much time had they won back from Sovereign? More importantly how was he going to reach Anderson? If Kaidan could convince anyone to let him pick up where Shepard left off it would be him, after all Anderson had been with them from the beginning at Eden Prime.

As if his thoughts had summoned it his Omni tool lit up, flashing rhythmically that he had received a priority message. Kaidan hesitated only a moment, concerned briefly that Liara had managed to figure out how to send him a message over secure Alliance channels, before flicking the message open to read it.

_Report to HQ 0900 hrs for immediate transport to the Citadel. Upon arrival report to Admiral Anderson immediately for mission debrief. _

Well, Kaidan thought relieved, that conveniently takes care of that. It was odd that he was being summoned to the Citadel though. The summons also created a new dilemma; the last message he had bothered to read from Liara had stated that she was going to be heading to the Citadel to talk with Anderson herself. While ignoring her messages (admittedly partially out of self-preservation) was one thing, it felt like a step too far to treat his former colleague with indifference of deliberately avoiding her on the Citadel. Also it would be unlikely the onslaught of messages would cease until he properly spoke to her. Taking a large swig of his now warm beer Kaidan opened the latest email, readying himself emotionally.

_Kaidan,_

_I really would prefer if you would at least acknowledge that you are receiving my emails. I have spoken with Anderson and he is still not agreeing to launch a search party to locate Shepard! I don't know if this is some weird custom of your species to just leave your friends scattered around the Galaxy but __**I refuse to give up on her**__. I will be on the Citadel for a little while yet, trying to gather up some further leads….. just, please message me back. Maybe the Alliance will see reason if you talk them. _

_I know how much you meant to her Kaidan. Don't abandon her now. _

_Liara_

Kaidan read the email with a pained sigh, slightly angered by Liara's insinuations. While it was his preference that Shepard be returned to Earth for a proper cremation he knew that there were certain realities to working in space. Shepard had known too. Every Alliance solider accepted that when they signed up. Maybe it was because Liara wasn't Human that she couldn't understand Kaidan and the Alliances ready acceptance of Shepard's fate. Hitting reply to her message he typed out a single sentence.

_I'm flying out to the Citadel tomorrow for an assignment, I will talk to you then. _

The blunt response would likely be lost on her and Kaidan was not looking forward to having to talk her through her grief. He wasn't a psychologist and had no desire to pretend to be one, but she was his friend and she needed to let Shepard go, just like he did.

Remember her and do better for her, Kaidan thought to himself sadly.

He moved over to the balcony lounge and kicked his feet up, making himself comfortable while gazing out at the fading sunset and lit metropolis before him. A lot can change in a short amount of time, and for better or for worse tomorrow was going to be a new chapter in his life. A chapter that he would dedicate to _HER_.


End file.
